You MUST Read This Article!

I'm smiling as I write this because I'm wondering: How did reading the title make you feel?

I imagine some of you feel tight and not-a-little resistant inside; some of you will have reacted so strongly that you're not reading this at-all (!); and others will feel motivated and curious to find out - what's so important?

Keep reading: you'll find out.

But first, let me ask you a question: How's your relationship to the following words and phrases?

• Have to
• Must
• Should
• Need to
• Got to

These are words we often hear as children and teenagers. "You've got to shape up your life, son." "A young girl needs to conduct herself differently, young missy."

And 'Yes', you read correctly. I asked about your relationship to these words/concepts...because we can develop a bad relationship to ideas in our mind and bodies...really.

Does anyone remember Michael J. Fox playing Marty McFly in the Back to the Future films? Whenever someone called him 'chicken!' he'd get really mad and dive headfirst into situations where he ended up in even more trouble!

I know this won't apply to everyone but by way of example:

Men, how do you feel about 'life-long commitment'?

Women, how do you feel about 'obeying your husbands'?

Your (possibly strong) feelings about these words are known, in the field of Neurosemantics, as 'semantic reactions' - our mental-emotional-physical responses to the meanings of words. And the class of words above, known in linguistics as 'modal operators of necessity' tend to make many peoples' hackles rise.

Why?

Because we value our individual freedom so much we can't STAND the idea of being told what to do. For some people the problem is so acute that they can't even tell themselves what to do!

I once worked briefly with a guy who would literally do the opposite of what you told him. So I said to him: "Dave, you really don't want to go back into that training room ad pay attention because I wouldn't want you to be successful, and make lots of money from what you learn." You should have seen the look on his face. Because in his mind he 'had' to do the opposite!

So what's all this about? Well, I trained in NLP and using a questioning model called the Meta-Model we are taught to respond to statements like:

'You need to be obedient at all times' or 'You must listen to me.'

With challenges like: 'Need to? What would happen if I didn't?'

(Unfortunately, there's a bit of an art to responding like that without sounding like a total jerk and it doesn't translate well to paper!)

The point the trainers were trying to make is that people imprison themselves in walls of linguistic obligation from which they never think of climbing out. We probably all know someone who rushes around exclaiming that they 'have' to do this or that. And they need a good challenge: "Who says you HAVE TO?"

However, and it is a big however, they rarely taught us that, whilst it is good to challenge limiting obligations, there ARE certain things we NEED to do. And we NEED to be able to get ourselves to do them without freaking out like a 14-year-old told he/she can't go the dodgy party (yes, I am a parent!)

• If I want to get fit, I HAVE to exercise and eat more healthily.

• If I want to master my craft as a Neurosemantics Coach and Trainer, I HAVE to practice, check feedback, and adjust. And study.

• If I want to go on holiday, I HAVE to discipline myself to save money for it.

The point is that if I have a strong adverse reaction to 'need' or 'have to' I may not get to stick with the things that will benefit me and my family. I will be my own worst enemy.

If we cannot work with 'have to' then we cannot develop self-discipline (another dirty word for some people).

• He who conquers himself can conquer the world.

• Like a city without walls is a man without self control (anything can invade it!) Proverbs xy, The Old Testament

So what can we do to reclaim ownership over our 'musts'?

One thing we can do change our reactions to the words by changing the way we feel about them.

Exercise

Go somewhere quiet, and breathe slowly, deeply, and steadily and put yourself in a relaxed state.

I suggest getting someone else to read the below:

'Bring yourself mentally to the words you have trouble with and STAY WITH THEM whilst breathing in acceptance, and breathing out uncomfortable feelings.

As you do, notice how this calm state of acknowledgment and acceptance transforms this in ways that feel better, and are better,... now."

Do this several times. And once more with feeling.

Then, think about the words that come to mind when you think about 'must', 'have to', 'no choice'. Write them down.

Do your definitions of these words serve you well? Do they work as tools FOR you? (as words 'SHOULD do' (grin)).

If not, how could you define them so that they did? Just for fun, brainstorm the ways in which 'having' to do something has worked out well for you in the past. How have you felt when you 'had' to do something you love?

'Well, one time I had to do x and actually I really enjoyed it.' (clear a stream, help move house, cook a big dinner etc).

List as many ideas as you can on this subject. Notice how reading back these examples can really change the way you felt about have to, hasn't it?

As you feel, this, think about 'have to' with the feelings that come from your examples. And notice how this changes that.

This is not the only way to deal with 'wayward words' but reducing the emotional cloud that surrounds them is a good starting point.